YOU

“Well Doris, it’s been a while since we have been here for our afternoon tea, how have you been?”

DORIS

“I have been top bananas girl, thanks for asking. I am absolutely nailing my diet, lost lots of weight, have loads more energy and generally loving life again. I finally feel that this may be possible for me and I am really going to do it this time”

YOU

“Well it shows Doris so well done old girl, but how come you can enjoy Afternoon tea if you are on a diet, are you having the day off?”

DORIS

“Absolutely not my dear, I am dieting, I am on a mission, I am like John Wayne racing to save the woman from the marauding Indians, no one or nothing will stop me or get in my way”

YOU

“But you are here, eating cake, supposedly dieting?”

DORIS

“I have saved my food allowances up old bird and spoken to my diet dude, a dashing young stallion called James, who has calculated how many cakes I can enjoy and how many food allowances to trade for them, so despite your apparent sarcasm and attempt at smug wit, I am still on my diet thank you very much!”

YOU

“But Doris, are you not tempted to eat extra cakes, just for one afternoon, have some time off, one day won’t kill you, go on girl”

DORIS

“No sweetie, no I am not tempted. I am dieting, and for the record you are a rubbish friend and this will be the last time we dine together as clearly if you were my friend you would not be trying to discourage me for your own selfish reasons”

YOU

“Well Doris I have never been so offended in my life, and for the record that hair colour does NOT suit you despite what I said when we first met BUT I will say, I do admire your willpower”

DORIS

“Willpower has nothing to do with it Dear. Willpower is only ever a consideration when you are not actually sure what you want to achieve meaning you can easily be swayed for or against something. Anyone who moans about their willpower being tested is simply misguided and what they really mean is ‘Actually I am not sure if I do want to be slim and healthy after all’…

…BUT I AM DIETING, and I am dieting because I WANT TO BE SLIM. I don’t think I want to be slim, or have days where I decide I am happy to be fat, I DO WANT TO BE SLIM, definitely. So there is no need for willpower, as there is no choice. I am not having extra cake because that will not get me to my goals, I won’t be succumbing to peer, family or so called friend pressure simply to make THEM feel better about themselves, I am dieting for me.

I WILL be slim, I WILL be healthier and I WILL be happier, and so as there is no doubt in my resolve, there is not nor will there be, a willpower issue. To behave any other way is stupid”

YOU

“Um, OK Doris, calm down dude, I think I understand”

DORIS

“No Dear you don’t, you’re not smart enough, you are simply thinking about yourself and how you stuffing yourself with cakes makes YOU feel bad and guilty in front of me, who is doing something positive with her life…

…and as a result you try and get me to cheat on my diet, so you feel better about yourself. Well it won’t work friend. 

YOU

“WOW I really DO wish I had your willpower”

DORIS

“OMG WOMAN, you have not heard a word I have said about willpower have you, I don’t need willpower because I am SURE about what I am trying to achieve. Goodbye, and stop calling me dude”