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Slow Down Doris

by | Sep 13, 2019

YOU

“Well Doris, this a lovely piece of cake we have been enjoying with our cup of tea, but I must say the pants are getting a bit tight so I think it’s time I went on a diet again”

DORIS

“I’m ahead of you there girl, I started 3 weeks ago and nailing it like there’s no tomorrow”

YOU

“Check you out Doris, what diet you doing this time dude?”

DORIS

“I am plain and simple counting calories, eating what I like but sticking to my daily limit, and don’t call me dude”

YOU

“That sounds like a good idea, how many calories are you having?”

DORIS

“Well I worked out using an online calculator that my body needs 2115 calories per day to simply maintain weight and exist, and I want to lose 2lb per week which is 7000 calories per week I have to lose. So as that is 1000 calories per day, I am allowing myself 1150 per day. Simples (oh there are about 3500 calories in 1lb of fat, so you know)”

YOU

“WOW, so how is it going old girl, weight dropping off?”

DORIS

“Yes, slowing down now though, I need to adjust the figures”

YOU

“But what happens when you lose some weight and then your body stops losing it on the scales and you stall, sounds like that is what is happening?”

DORIS

“Well I just lower the calories further my lovely”

YOU

“And then when the weight loss stalls again?”

DORIS

“Lower the calories again! Don’t you get this love?”

YOU

“Yes Doris I do, but it seems to me that you have taken a huge drop in calories initially assuming that your body will respond, as you hope, to your mathematics. However it is such a huge drop in calories that I do believe your body will adjust it’s own ‘need’ for calories to prevent weight loss and lower its metabolic rate to make this happen. That then means your weight loss will slow down and eventually almost stall. You can only keep reducing calories for so long until there are no calories left TO reduce”

DORIS

“Darling, I don’t care about that far ahead I just want to lose weight NOW, I will worry about that when it happens”

YOU

“But Doris, you have been dieting your entire adult life, that’s nearly 60 years you old girl, and each time you put the weight back on and end up right back where you started. *Why don’t you instead aim for 1lb a week* instead of 2lb, so that it is more sustainable and realistic and the body won’t rebel against you and keep it’s need for calories higher, that way you can make small adjustments as and when you need to and the weight loss will be steady and consistent and when you do reach your goal weight and start to eat more food it won’t be a shock to your body and all get stored as fat again?”

DORIS

“Sod that dear, I have a dress to fit into in 3 weeks and if I have to eat 500 calories a day for that to happen then so be it.”

YOU

“Well all that will happen is that you will put your weight back on again and you will yet again be dieting and overweight and wearing jumpers in the summer to hide your rolls of fat and embarrassed to be seen with flesh showing and miserable at night *crying into your Maltesers* and red wine and moaning at me that ‘ooo I shouldn’t be eating this cake really’ when if you just *took a longer term view of this NOW*, lowered your weekly expectations, then you could reclaim your life again and start living and enjoying food instead of seeing it as the enemy”

DORIS

“You know what love, I have just remembered I need to be somewhere else, and I am not sure if we are compatible Afternoon Tea Partners anymore, you just don’t get it. Goodbye”

YOU

“Suit yourself, but for the record, yes your bum DOES look big in that skirt, and it’s not the skirts fault!”

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